Life and Loves

Learning to Live Life with a Full Heart

Getting into the Groove

I finally feel like I’m adjusting. Which means pretty soon things will change again. The kids still love their summer camp. My job is starting to feel like mine and I’m taking on more responsibilities.

We are preparing to celebrate Henry’s birthday this weekend. Since we’re down two kids I’ve invited his cousins over to play. I’m thinking they’re ready for simple party games! I plan to do the balloon race where you put a balloon between your legs, race to one end of the living room, pop it and return. Maybe the egg race where you put a boiled egg on the end of your spoon and everyone races to the other side without dropping it. I’ll have to get cool prizes too.

We usually do just immediate family because there’s 6 of us and once you start inviting family members it gets out of control and you invite everyone because you don’t want to hurt feelings. It’s dumb and I refuse to play. I wonder how many other families do that? I used to do big parties, but once you hit four kids, it’s always a party, so no need to get crazy. Plus the presents. I’m not even gonna go there. I already vow to do the four presents only things for Christmas this year. Need, wear, read, want. I’ll let you know how that goes. This year the bigs go to their father’s first, so it will be a small Christmas anyway.

I almost bought a Christmas present the other day. I’m getting weirder and weirder as I get older. A present in June? It was a little thing, but seriously? It’s because I like buying presents. I like buying you presents, I like buying me presents. Ha! That’s kinda how black Friday and cyber Monday end up going. “one for me and one for you”.

I did a face mask this evening. That’s how I can tell things are settling down. You’d think I’d do them when I was crazy stressed and needed that 15 minutes of not doing anything but scaring the kids with my monster face, but no, I do it when I feel good. I also decided to go a little blonde on a bit of a whim. I’m not usually a blonde girl, but it’s been a long time since I did highlights and my hair stylists has crazy good skills, so I went for it.

I’m looking forward to decorating my new office. I hope I’ll be able to make it fun, but also inviting to whoever needs to chat or gripe or ask questions. I’m enjoying my new role and hope I do a good job once I’m truly doing it and not just helping to do it (training). Three weeks of training so far and it has been intense! One last week to solidify my knowledge and make the final transition into my big girl job. Still excited.

Manifestation

I worked hard for this, wanted it, planned for it, attained it. I’m talking about working outside of the home. I say outside because I worked my tail off at home too, some would say I worked harder. Now, being on the other side, working a full-time job, I’m mostly grateful. I am very grateful that Jason worked hard to make staying home with the kiddos an option.

I never aspired to be a stay at home mom. The mundane tasks after the baby stage made me batty. I loved being home with my newborns up until they were probably a year and a half and then I was ready to do something else, something that felt more productive, but circumstances made that seem like not the best idea. It wasn’t the best because of either childcare, local job options or my own ambition. Also, the guilt. How could I choose to put my children in childcare that took most of my earnings to pass the time when it wasn’t a career? Especially when I knew I wanted my bachelor’s degree? The last few years were spent in school and the last few months were spent working part-time and applying for what I lovingly started calling “big girl jobs”. The jobs that are super serious with serious-ish money and responsibilities.

Amazingly, an HR job became available in Franklin that fit that criteria and I applied hoping, but not really thinking I would actually get it. I have a passion for Human Resources and I start my Master’s for it in the fall, but my experience is limited. They must of liked my caution as well as my positive attitude and business sense because they hired me. I think it was Jesus. I don’t shout from the rooftops, but I recognize a shift in the universe when I see one, and this was it. I fully feel like I am where I am meant to be and it was all in his timing. There has only been one other time in my life where I felt that and it was during my divorce.

It’s been quite the first week. The bigs went to their dad’s, the little’s started full-time summer camp, and I started my big girl job. It was NOT FUN getting the littles out the door to summer camp every morning. We have not got the routine down and this particular morning pictured I had to go back home and get Henry’s lunchbox because he left it on the bench. I’m really hoping the second week will go a little more smoothly. I was worried about summer camp, but they LOVE it! They don’t want to come home when I pick them up.

We adjusted to the downtime from having two less kids and Copper is taking up a lot of it because puppy.

Oreo really misses Noah. We don’t see this cat normally. He lives in Noah’s room unless he’s outside hunting moles, but since Noah is gone, he is coming around and sometimes even wants to be petted!

I’m looking forward to work this week and have faith that we will get into the groove. I’m gonna try to enjoy the time with the littles and not miss the bigs too much. We have some weekend fun planned this summer and I should probably study for the GRE. Here’s to manifesting dreams and walking them out when they come to fruition.

What We Learned from Our First Season of Soccer

I had the brilliant idea to let the kids do soccer this Spring. It’ll be cheap! I said to my husband. It was not, btw, cheap once I purchased all the gear and paid registration for all four of my children. We have never done a sport. The kids don’t do school sports, there isn’t a rec place for the kids to play at around here, so couple that with a relatively short season and the fact that Noah is 14 and starting High School in August. We committed to soccer.

I loved it! I loved having all four of them at three different levels giving this brand new thing a go. I loved the family time we got out in the grass on the sidelines cheering for each other. I loved meeting new people and getting to see the inside of this thing called soccer. I also found the game itself to be interesting.

So, what did we learn?

Henry (U5) is four and was just old enough to play this season. He learned that soccer practice and games are looonng and if you stick around until the end, they give you snacks and a capri sun. “Will Soccer for Snacks” was his motto. Positivity was the name of the game at this age! Good job, buddy! High five! You can do it! He had fun and I hope he wants to do it next year when he is a little older and more developmentally ready to play. He got to play with his cousin Mia, so that was fun to see them twice a week as well.

Lorelei (U8) is seven and soccer is most definitely not for her. She was the most excited about taking a break. She would give me a big smile as the game started and say, “coach said I could stay out first!” She played, but she is slow to react and she also says that soccer has too much running. We learned a bit about perseverance and being a part of a team and I got to read my book during some of her games.

Nora and Noah (U13) were on the same team. Nora is eleven and Noah is 14, which is the cutoff for rec teams. This was serious soccer. It’s the last level before you have to try out for teams, so some of these kids have been playing for years. You could tell right away that they had a pretty awesome team. They only lost one game the whole season de to the best player being on a camping trip. I really loved watching their games and they played on the biggest field, so they got in a ton of cardio. There was a point in the beginning that Noah wanted to quit, which is totally what he does. He complained that the kids weren’t letting him play or listening to him (leader not follower over here…), so we had a come-to-jesus meeting and I told him flat out that we were IN IT. We had committed and there was no turning back no matter how terrible it was. I didn’t care if he stood on the field and stared at the sky, we would be doing practice twice a week and games on Saturdays. Then we talked about what he could do to improve, how he could interact with people and be a team player. I’m happy to say that he got on board and enjoyed it, but I’m doubtful that he will continue.

Once Nora joined (there was a miscommunication, so they put her on late) and showed him how to get in there and just play and do your best, he got better. She, however, was on a team of all boys. In this small of a town, they don’t have enough players to split by gender, so they play on co-ed teams. She grew a lot over the season. She was tough, she had to put up with some trash talk (a lot from her brother) and at one point mid-season, she wanted to quit. However, she needed empathy, not tough love. I listened to her rant and cry and tell me all about these stupid boys who wouldn’t pass her the ball and why was she even here?? Then, I could remind her gently that when they pass it to her she misses it or starts heading towards the wrong goal. What could she do to improve? She got back out there, focused a bit more and, though not the best player, got the ball a few times and pulled her weight.

By seasons end we were pretty done. Not because the soccer schedule itself was so difficult, but because after the last game before post season everything else in our lives picked up; graduation, new job, end of school year etc. However, Noah and Nora’s team kept going! It being the highest level of rec, their postseason tournament became pretty important. They just kept winning, so at that point we were just along for the ride. We had a game last Saturday, that we won which meant a game Sunday. The final, final game, that’s definitely-might be-final, possibly. I told people, “this is the last game” multiple times, but guess what? Sunday WAS the final game! And they won!!

It was two great final games that weekend. You could really tell that the team learned how to play well together and had developed a camaraderie which was great to be a part of especially as our introduction to soccer. After the game on Sunday, they handed out cool, legit trophies and everyone went to DQ. Small town livin’.

At that last game I talked to the president of the soccer club and plan to get involved with the board. It was a rough year administratively, so I’m hoping to help out in that area. I found out that there is a fall rec team as well. Henry may play and if I’m brave, I may coach. It may be too much to work full time and do school and coach, so we’ll see. I’m really glad we gave soccer a try this season. It definitely brought us together as a family and we all got some exercise.

Seeing What’s Left

It’s interesting what happens when you edit something out of your life. Whether it’s a habit, an item or an idea, you’re left with something. You definitely gain a new perspective and can sometimes make better choices when you sit in discontentment for a while. That was my thought when I sold my big camera. I’ve also done that with coffee, tv and marriage among other things. It has to be a conscious choice though, you can’t just let your camera sit unused for example, you have to actually sell it. Which I did.

I’m no longer in photography class where I need a camera to complete assignments and I found that my d500 was too good of a camera to justify daily snapshots with, but not good enough for commercial use. I love taking pictures, but for what end? For my personal pleasure? Am I gonna have a business? Am I gonna market myself for a specific purpose? I wasn’t sure, so I decided to sell it and see what was left. What desire was left? What yearning was left that I could not ignore? One thing I have found, I have no desire to use my d3400, so that’s on the chopping block next. If I purchase a camera, it will definitely be a full frame. That’s about all I can nail down. I’ve been using my phone for my daily picture practice and seeing the pattern of what I actually take pictures of or want to take pictures of in my daily life. I’ve only said, “man I wish I had my good camera” once and that was for a night shot, my true picture love. One picture is not enough reason to drop, at minimum, $1000 on a camera. Unless we happen to have $1000 burning a hole in our pocket (spoiler alert: we don’t). So, I’m sitting in discontentment which isn’t as disconcerting as I thought it might be, although I do feel that creativity deep inside boiling up and not being used or accessed.

Like I’ve said before, I’m in transition. It feels necessary to switch from being a student photographer to a photographer with a degree before I can move forward. But, will that be with a Nikon d610 and nifty fifty, Nikon d810 and accompanying computer upgrade, a canon 6d, canon 5d mark iii, or do I go mirrorless which is the way of the future? I don’t know, I’m not there yet, but I think I’m getting closer.

Follow my daily pictures on fb and ig @dgrebphotography

Makeup in your 30’s

I’ve been wearing makeup since I was a teenager. My mom started me off right, coincidentally, by getting into Mary Kay right around that time. I got to play with her samples and attend a few of her first classes learning how to take care of my skin as well as what colors work for my coloring.

Putting on makeup as a young girl, or even taking care of your skin when you are younger is so easy! Pick a bottle any bottle, pick a color any color for the most part. You’re not usually hiding imperfections or “saying” anything with your application process, you’re just playing. That’s where Nora is at in the process. She has been wearing makeup for a couple of years now (she’s 11). She was very interested in it and would go to friend’s houses and come back with some godawful colored lipstick and I was like- no. Here is some pale, neutral colors, perfect your age and simple to apply. Here is a flattering nude pink lipstick that doesn’t make you look like a whore. Because whether we like it or not, there is still a stigma about makeup and the impression you are giving to society. She has since gotten a little more bold with her choices, with the help of her father and Christmas presents, but she makes good choices. We’ve had some lessons on makeup applications and she knows what’s acceptable for day and night. A lot of that is probably preference, but you don’t wear a cocktail dress to lunch, just like you don’t do dark makeup for a day trip.

I went through a relearning process after I had Henry. I didn’t quite know who I was anymore, thank you pregnancy, so I went through my wardrobe and learned some new makeup techniques that better fit who I was at that time. The kids are older now, I’m different now and older as well. I’m on the downhill slide to 40 and my face shows it, thank you stress and gravity.

At this point, I’m watching tutorials again, I’m buying different products especially if they say something like, anti-aging or fine lines on them. I’m super getting into masks. I think all of that goes along with my word for the year; self-care.

The biggest change I’ve made is lipstick. I have never really worn it, though I love chapstick. I didn’t believe that my lips are my best feature, so I didn’t bother. However, as you age, you lose pigmentation in your lips and ya need a little help. I follow a chick on ig that LOVES lipstick. She obviously believes that her lips are her best feature and is always sharing new colors, so I thought, perhaps it’s time to go down this rabbit hole.

I’m definitely a more natural product user, but green beauty is expensive and I didn’t want to blow money on something without a little research first. I picked out three colors at Walmart in a brand I like and tried them out. I picked a safe neutral, a cool, bold, pink and a warm, bold pink.

The warm, bold pink turned out to be my favorite. It was the one my gut told me to pick. (you get a terrible ig pic because apparently my phone hasn’t uploaded any pictures to the cloud since August and I deleted the other pics from my camera card without uploading them *facepalm*) The cool pink is still a fun color, but definitely out of my comfort zone.

What’s even more interesting is the reactions I’ve gotten from other women. I’m not good at reading people, but they glance at my lips a few times and seem confused, or constipated I really don’t know. A lot of women my age or older seem a little uncomfortable that I’m wearing lipstick. It definitely screams “I tried today”. I took that extra step to not only put on makeup, but to put on lipstick. It could be that they’ve never seen me in lipstick, so it’s weird? Idk. I’ve had compliments on that bold, cool pink color, which is fun because it’s the scary one to wear in public. I have started noticing when other people wear lipstick too. There was a girl at school and her choice of color was so pretty, but I didn’t say anything. I wonder if we should? Should we compliment lip colors? Is that too intimate an item to compliment? Wearing lipstick definitely feels like a conscious choice still and I can’t handle it all day, but I like it. The colors are pretty and it does make me feel a little more put together.

I wanted to continue my makeup journey, so I bought some new makeup brushes and a small eye palette of different neutrals. The brushes do make a difference. I have regular brushes that suffice for putting on some eye color and blush and whatnot, but the two eyeshadow brushes I purchased are different, one has an angle and the other is more bushy for blending, so I’m able to explore different ways of applying eye color. It’s fun!

Since I’ve been on the skincare kick and doing masks and stuff, I decided to try a green beauty concealer and a cleanser that is supposed to be amazing. I’ll let you know how that goes… It’s coming in the mail.

So, the yoga is going well, the makeup stuff is going, well I’m moming and schooling to the best of my ability and we finally bought this house. Self-care check.

Here’s a list of the items I’m loving currently and the two that I’ve tried and loved or have heard great things about. Some are natural and some are not.
Charcoal mask
Kiwi Sugar Scrub
Clay Mask (This one I don’t love as much, the smell is different and it’s a little too gentle)
One Love Organics cleanser
Well People concealer The concealer I’ve been using is the Almay smart shade concealer and I like it, but I need something better.

I am obviously not a beauty blogger and my choices are likely not your choices, but I thought I’d share in case you’re looking for some stuff to try. Choosing to take 15 minutes in the evening a couple nights a week to mask has been a tangible exercise in choosing to take care of myself. It’s a nice easy goal for those of us that take care of everyone first as a rule.

Transitions

I had intended to write about how we finally bought the house we’ve been living in for more than three years, but I just feel so yuck today I thought I’d vomit here for the world to read instead.

We’ve been on a specific course for the last couple of years and it’s been slowly harder and harder until a month or two ago when all that energy dissipated. Jason had been in school and I had been going to school full-time and that’s all our brains could handle besides raising four kids and trying to keep our marriage healthy. Now, however, he’s done with school and I’m half-time with zero art classes. Who the fuck are we? I’m so serious.

We now have evenings where we can spend time together. We don’t because I’m watching Big Bang Theory and he’s piddledinking in his office, but not doing school. We do watch a movie some nights, but it’s not like we can go party or have the energy to have actual conversations after yelling at kids to go to bed for two hours after their bedtime. Henry is still in Preschool getting ready for Kindergarten in August, so I have ample time during the day to get things done, those things I’ve been ignoring because school, and what am I doing? I’m watching TV. I’m living vicariously through doctor’s residencies and sibling rivalries and totally do not enjoy when the kids come home because it is just so hard with them right now. So much attitude from tiny bodies! I’m uncomfortable in my own house because I haven’t spent much time there and have yet to develop a good routine.

I am complaining, but I know that this feeling is temporary. Much like that first week or two of Summer break where you’re relearning how to be with your kids 24/7. It’s just such an unsettling feeling to be out of place, but still in the same environment. I went to Bardo today (the art department) and saw friends and it just wasn’t the same. I’m not making anything there or entranced in the art world and no longer truly belong. The people in my Spanish class are *imitate raspberry sound here* and super adorable with their shiny knowledge of one semester of Spanish and 2-3 years left at WCU.

I am excited about graduating and excited to be graduating with friends in May, but right now things feel out of sorts. The only way through it is through it and this too shall pass and all that goodness. Sometimes, you just gotta sit in it or blog about it and acknowledge that life isn’t all rainbows and unicorns right now. And I miss my dad today, which is so weird to miss someone you didn’t really know, but it is what it is.

This is us trying to figure out the new normal. I’m not upset about having more knitters in the house.

Wise Minded Parenting

Parenting teens and tweens is no joke. One of the books I’m reading this year is Wise Minded Parenting by Laura S. Kaster. At first I was like, um you gotta be a zen Buddhist to accomplish this, but so far she has some really good points. I’m making Jason read it too, so we can be on the same page.

In the beginning of the first chapter she talks about the attachment bond which secures in the first few years. Well, the first few years were pretty rough for Noah and Nora and in comparison to Lorelei and Henry, my younger two, we established a pretty weak bond. I was too busy trying to stay married to give much besides basic needs to Noah and Nora. That doesn’t mean we don’t have a better relationship now, just not a fundamental one. It makes it doubly hard when the other parent is a step parent and missed out entirely on those formative years.

The book shares ways to deal with the volatile creature that is your teen, but it goes against the rational parenting style that Jason and I have developed. Parenting is not for sissies, yo. It talks about teens being rude to just you, you lucky dog, because you are the safe home base for their riotous emotions. I’ve talked about confrontation and conflict before and how it’s something I don’t mind from my children, but Noah especially is quite angry and we are so very good at pushing his buttons unintentionally. I know, though, that my kids are awesome and one day will be great human beings not sheep, but man is it hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

With the bigs gone this week, we get a little reprieve to reevaluate the home situation. Lorelei now empties the dishwasher and Henry clears the table. I remember that Nora started doing dishes at 6 and Lorelei is almost 7. Now that we have more time at home with Jason being done with school and my two classes, we can concentrate more heavily on establishing that better bond and learning to be zen Buddhists apparently.

Some key points from that first chapter (which is hella long):
For a teenager, seif-centeredness is as normal as tripping and falling is for a toddler.

When implementing parenting policies; stay calm, be confident and collaborate, but implement anyway.

The goal is to maintain positive rapport and connectedness and limit the power struggles over little things.

Discipline is about learning and learning does not occur when emotions are running high.

We are all doing the best we can even the teenager. I’m hoping to implement some policies on how we treat eachother. Having a ten year difference between the first and last child makes for some fun challenges. Especially when the little one’s favorite past time is to taunt the teenager by calling him poopy-Noah. *insert giant eyeroll*. I would also like to schedule some family time. We’re together constantly, but are we having fun together? Family dates need to be as important as date night, and no, going to walmart does not count as family time. I may also make one of those get along jars. The get along jar has popsicle sticks in it and when you misbehave or violate a parent policy, you do the action on the popsicle stick. For example: 20 jumping jacks, write a poem about how much you love your siblings, a yard chore, etc.

We’ll see what real life looks like next week when the bigs transition home and we’re back to our regularly scheduled routine.

Losing my Father

It seems strange to think about losing someone that you really only spent a handful of years with, but the pain is the same…from my perspective anyway.

A little background: My mom and dad split up before I was born and my father was somewhat in my life until I was three (or so I’ve been told). He tried to get to know me when I was 11, but I was scared and after a period of time, I stopped seeing him and his wife, Bobbie, and kids. I was an emotional kid and I think too much time had passed for that to be an easy transition. After Noah was born, my aunt came across my father’s father’s obituary in the local newspaper and I decided to go see him at the funeral. I was young and bold and gave no fucks apparently. That began a year or so of healing. I realized that I would never get the childhood with my dad that my heart longed for and for whatever reason (likely his drinking) we didn’t fully connect. I was glad to meet him again and spend time with his wife and kids and catch-up. Shortly after that, my life blew up with the divorce and major changes and we didn’t speak until recently. Bobbie tracked down my mom and friended her on fb and eventually spoke with her on the phone. Bobbie informed my mother that my father was dying and likely wouldn’t make it to Christmas.

Over the last few years I’ve done a lot of self-reflection and work digging out and shining light on the deep dark stuff and taking responsibility for my choices and ignorance. Learning that my father was dying was heartbreaking. It did not matter that I barely knew him. He was a beacon in my life. We weren’t close, but I knew he cared for me. I decided to go see him as soon as I was able. I don’t think I hesitated, there was no question that I wanted to see him one last time and say goodbye. I wanted him to know too, that I didn’t hate him or hold a grudge for how life worked out.

I took a trip to Florida the following week and I’m so glad I did. When I went to him after Noah was born, I was still a child. I was needy in every way and took whatever he would give me and left without caring about their feelings. Now, I’m grown, standing on my own two feet as healthy as I can be and wanting only to tell him I loved him face to face. I spent as much time with him as I could. He was in and out mentally, but we had a few good conversations and I met some of his siblings and got to talk with Bobbie and Lucas (my step-brother) again. It dawned on me after talking with Bobbie, that I had a stepmom. It gave me some new perspective on how the kids relate to Heather, their stepmom. They are a healing balm, for sure.

He passed away on New Year’s Eve, surrounded by family and hopefully at peace.

Grief is not logical. I’m so thankful that Bobbie reached out and did the work to find me, to give me time to see him again. It was precious.

I really don’t have any pictures of him, but my mom had an old photo album with a few from their time together many years ago. I like to think I was conceived in love, just as my children were, and life happened the way it was meant.

2018 Aspirations

I love January. I love the potential for a new start, a reboot, a change of mind and attitude. I’ve been choosing a word for the last few years instead of a resolution with intent on learning or becoming that one thing as a subconscious thought. 2016 was confidence, 2017 was responsible, and 2018 is self-care. 2015 had one, but I can’t for the life of me find that word!

I always make goals, but they aren’t usually specifically dated, more like what I want to accomplish that year. I do better with a list of possibilities. For example, I have nonfiction books I’d like to read, so I set a goal of one nonfiction book a month, but I haven’t chosen which book to read each month.

These are all books I own, that have been sitting on my bookshelf patiently waiting to be read or finished. I would also like to add a book on the Enneagram and a book entitled There is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate by Cheri Huber and June Shiver, which should be really interesting…

I also have some photography goals, like skills I want to learn or explore and I decided to do a 365 project this year. I’ve been wanting to do one for a couple of years, but wanted to start in January and wanted to have the right project. I decided to keep it simple. I plan to take and post a picture everyday to my dgrebphotography instagram. My hope is to take the pictures with my big camera, but in a pinch my iPhone will suffice. I’ve learned over the years to be kind instead of rigid with myself.

I definitely want to continue learning handlettering, chalklettering, calligraphy etc. I really enjoy it and want to get better. I’m hoping I’ll also create some art projects this year, but I have nothing specific planned as of yet. I have two classes left for my degree and neither of them are art studio classes.

Lastly, I want to get back into yoga. My local studio has a Yoga 101 program that I hope to complete. With Jason done with school and my lighter load, I feel like self-care will be an easier choice. This past year we were in survivor mode, it’s difficult to make time or actually take time from what needs to be done in order to keep functioning. Yoga got put on the back burner this past year and I need a reboot.

If I complete even half of what I hope to accomplish this year, I’ll be overjoyed at making strides in a positive direction. I’m sure we’ll get a few things thrown at us this year, but for now, I’m excited about the possibilities.

Christmas 2017

This year the kids were here for Christmas day. We switch back and forth with their father every year, so one of us usually gets the first week of winter break and the other gets the last.

I’m always surprised that each year Christmas looks a little different. The decorations change a little, the food isn’t always the same, but my aunt and uncle came to stay over the holiday, so that didn’t change. It was one of those years, though that everyone was a little on edge (mercury retrograde?) and there was quite a bit of bickering (teenager?). I think the highlights were Christmas morning with the kiddos, playing games with my family and Jason being home and present. He’s been taking 4-6 classes each semester for the last three years, but he graduated in December.

We took the kids to Georgia last Friday to meet up with their dad, so this next week we only have Lorelei and Henry at home. It always gives us a little time while they are away to reevaluate our routines and spend some time with the two quietest kids. We miss them, but it’s an interesting change in perspective and Noah and Nora get a break from their full-time siblings.

I’m pretty sure the winning gifts were the LEGOs. Although, I’m enjoying Nora’s karaoke machine while she’s away.

THEME BY ECLAIR DESIGNS