Back in Transition

Nora and Noah returned this past Wednesday afternoon. They had been gone long enough to grow a few inches and get screwed up emotionally. Fortunately, they are still great kids.

We have a few weeks at home together before school starts back for me and the kids. We got the pool set up and have gone in a few times despite the rainy weather. School supplies are super cheap right now and I look forward to this time of year of buying new shoes and backpacks and getting ready for that first day of school.

I noticed something between when the kids were gone and when they returned. While they were gone I felt empty and purposeless. The things I was passionate about got put to the back of my mind and I began to doubt that I could give birth naturally (hey- if there are drugs why not take them if it stops the pain?). When the kids returned a piece of myself that was lost returned, the piece that tells me that I am a strong woman and there are important things in this world to be passionate about. All of a sudden I knew that I could deliver this baby naturally whether or not Jason was fully on board with the whole idea. I’m not sure if my identity is wrapped up in being a mother or if my children are simply a physical reminder of all I have accomplished and the changes I have gone through in my life. Either way, I am happy they are home.

I told the kids that evening that we were having a baby. Nora would like a sister and thought the baby would be here that night. Noah would like a brother and asked if he could name him. (Braun was his first choice, umm, no.) It’s hard especially with Noah when the kids return from their father’s house because Patrick tells them things he shouldn’t. I then have to correct Noah’s thinking as best I can because to allow him to go on believing (what I will call *ahem* lies) is not only cruel, but irresponsible. Sigh.

They did have a good time in Colorado camping and playing with their stepbrother. I know it’s good that they get time with Patrick while they are little. I wonder in what ways having this new baby will change our lives.