I am a bit of a routine person. I find myself doing the same thing everyday. I will do it once and then I’ll find myself doing it again the next day. For example, going Starbucks, checking my email etc once I get to work. Or weekly things, like grocery store and the library on Saturdays. I think that’s why I identify so easily with drifting.
It goes so far as to determine what time I will get to work in the morning, since I don’t have a set schedule. No matter what time I go to bed or get up in the morning I arrive at work at a similar time each day.
I find myself in a different sort of routine with Jason. There is the ordinary dinner and bedtime routine established with the kids and then Jason and I spend time together in the evenings. Right now we are on a movie kick. Other nights we are reading or knitting or talking. We definitely talk on the nights after I get home from school. It is very enjoyable and I let myself feel happiness.
I say I let myself because life with Patrick had a different kind of routine. A routine of chaos if that is possible. A routine of overcoming obstacles each night and fighting to get there. Then a routine of emptiness and video games; from what I can remember.
So when there is an absence of this chaos I am grateful and yet I am unsettled. There is still a tiny part of me that is unsure if everything is okay. I know everything is okay. Of course everything is okay, but that’s my point.
I have filed the Motion for Default and the hearing to change the visitation is going to be on August 25th. I doubt he’ll show, but there is a chance Patrick may show up. We have been divorced for over a year now. It’s a little hard to believe. Time has flown by. The kids have grown so much and I can see the choices we’ve made reflected in their thoughts. Noah continues to ask when we are moving. We think because they are young that they are unaffected by our decisions. It’s not true.
We were letting the kids ride their bikes today. Nora is still getting used to her big girl bike and Noah is about ready to learn to ride without training wheels. Jason took over helping Nora as we walked up our street with them. He is so incredibly patient. He rarely gets frustrated or loses his temper. She was so funny. She’d pedal three rotations then slam on the brakes. Pedal three times and then slam on the brakes. Because she could! Not because she didn’t understand, but because she liked it! A bit frustrating for me, but not for Jason. He just kept encouraging her to keep going…in 100 degree weather… I admire his patience. It’s one of the values we hope to teach the kids.
I thought about the gift Nora has of having someone in her life to show her unconditional patience. How she may be affected by this simple attribute of Jason’s. Everyday that we stay in the same house shows Noah that it isn’t a normal thing to move every few months. Every time that the kids are told to clean their rooms and when they don’t are given a consequence and when they do are allowed their normal freedoms, they are affected and changed. Every time I sing Nora her songs and read the kids their books from the library I am hoping their hearts are healing, just as mine is continuing to heal. Through patience, routines and love.