Settling In

When I thought about this time period after Christmas and before the baby would arrive I saw it as peaceful and productive. I still find myself thinking about it in terms of the time coming up instead of remembering that I am actually in it.

I’m trying to take advantage of the time I have, but it is full of kids. I relearning how to be a stay at home mom and a lot of my attention goes to them. One of the things I am enjoying is being able to go to the library and check out a multitude of books and actually read them. I’ve discovered a few new authors and am expanding my mind with a few nonfiction topics. The kids pick out a few books too which makes me happy.

There has been a shift in Jason and my relationship as well. Although we still talk about his business, most of my side of the conversation has to do with the kids. It used to be about grownup topics from the variety of classes that I was taking, a sad realization.

Some days are great. A trip to the park, library or just a nice afternoon at home with no fighting, but there is always the realization that it starts all over again the next day. I think, “you mean I have to do this all again tomorrow!?” I do very much enjoy the moments I catch with my children. Out of quantity comes quality, but I suspect insanity as well. Our society is so varied when it comes to moms and we cannot help but put pressure on ourselves to be perfect. I found myself asking Jason, is it okay to have children and go back to work? He just smiles as if this is a trick question.

I am still me, but that me is definitely different. I may find myself lost in mommyland where all I talk about is my children and remedies to back talking, bedtimes and bullying. I don’t think I realized how much pride I took in expanding my mind while in college. I find myself exercising fear that my brain will turn to mush and Jason and I will be reduced to, “how was your day dear, here’s your martini”. Am I less of a person because I am home all day long? Have the scales tipped because I’m doing a little more work around the house while Jason is bringing home the bacon? I know deep down (waaay deep) that the children (born and not yet) will grow up and I will get myself back. This next season will be a lesson in servanthood. A lot of memorization of verses like those who are first will be last, and because you did this to the least of these… It can be depressing or well, not exciting, but perhaps enjoyable? I guess it is up to me to embrace this new role, after all, the tantrums may get old after a while. :o)

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