We are about to make a big life change, on purpose. Why does a person move? I read once that we are all looking for heaven. We all feel a little displaced (kicked out of Eden and all) and we move around in search of a place to fill that void. Physically it is for a job, or family, school, whim, or perceived opportunity and greener pastures. Our reasons are all of those I guess.
What I know for sure is that our family is really important to Jason and I. I could assume that all families feel this way; that most parent’s conversations revolve around making the best decisions for their kids and for the good of the family. We genuinely enjoy this part of our journey, which is why I think we are gonna end up with a house full of kids! I think that is why we are looking forward to moving. It is not so much the job/school opportunities, but the opportunities for the kids and family time. North Carolina is a little more conducive to spending time outdoors, which we all enjoy. The house we’ve chosen gives the kids space to roam as well as areas indoors to enjoy spending time with eachother. We also have Jason’s family to hang out with. I am really looking forward to that.
I feel though, that this move comes with a sacrifice; a sacrifice of self. I very much enjoy going to Starbucks on a daily basis and running up to Target for necessities like TP. It feeds some part of me that I don’t fully understand. I feel as if I am ready to begin examining that part of myself. I know it starts with questions. What does going to Starbucks do for me besides give me yummy coffee? Why do I stand on the pillar of it being my right as a grownup to go there everyday if I freakin’ feel like it? Going to Target is a little more simple. I love to shop and even buying TP and shampoo makes me happy. I am “allowed” to spend money on those things, but what little monster am I feeding?
A wise woman once told me that to find out why we need something, take it away and see what’s left. What is going to be left when I get to North Carolina and will have no choice but to stay home more often and can feed none of my addictions? I recently read an article talking about Dopamine receptors and how some people “need” more of whatever it is they enjoy to get the high it produces. I’ve always known that I create routines almost automatically. If I do something once and I enjoy it you can bet I’ll keep doing it until I’m sick of it. That’s why I’m on my second box of ice cream sandwiches and I eat them at almost the same time every day. If it is good for me I can justify the addiction. I love Naked Juice currently and the fact that I need good nutrition right now and it provides a good amount of iron (mine is still low) makes it easier to succumb to its calling. Yeah, so this is what I am wrestling with.
Are we as human beings capable of being without vices? Are these choices I make harmful? Am I a slave to these silly enjoyments? I’d like to think that we’ll move to NC and I will seamlessly transition to the peaceful and contented mom that I have in my head. I’ll sit on the porch with coffee I made myself and play more often with the kids without the need to get out of the house every day. What part of these choices are simply who I am and taking away Starbucks will only leave an opening for a different vice? I know I am social and perhaps that is what Starbucks feeds and moving will be a bit lonely for a while, will that simply make me crazy and not give me peace? As a Christian I supposed I am expected to only need God. He will fill the empty holes, but he and I are not necessarily on good terms right now. Maybe that’s what I’ll be working on this Summer. Sigh. It will be good or it will definitely be interesting. I’m certainly looking forward to seeing what’s left even if it kills me.